Questing
by Chlover
Summary: Kazuya goes on a quest for love! It's really that simple!
1. Love Quest

A/N: Script form seems to be the new trend so I figured I'd give it another go. I don't know where the hell I got this idea. Infact… there was no idea involved. Just… Boredom. I assume most humour fics are the product of boredom, aye?

**Disclaimer** Tekken is not mine. 

Questing

Story Number One. 

Narrator: Here you see… Uh… Kazuya on a quest.

(Kazuya walks around in the forest.)

N: It is a noble quest. A quest for a young girl's heart. A young girl named… Ling Xiaoyu!

Kazuya: HEY! I'm no pedophile! Someone else!

N: Oh fine. A young girl named… Anna Williams!

Kazuya: AHHH! No! She's irritating!

Anna: I resent that!

N: Yesh, well then… A young woman named… Lee.

Lee: Woman? I HATE YOU! (cries.)

Kazuya: He's my sister!

Lee: (sobs harder)

N: Will everyone get lost! You're not in my story yet!

Lee + Anna: Ok! (Skips away)

N: Thank you. Ok… A young woman named… Nina Williams.

Kazuya: Have you not heard of Jun?

N: Yes. I agree it's a beautiful month, but you can hardly search for a month.

Kazuya: JUN KAZAMA! (Turns into Devil)

Jun: Yes dear?

N: GET LOST!

Jun: AHHHHHHHH!!!! (Runs away screaming)

Kazuya: I meant Jun Kazama…

N: I don't care. It's not very interesting if you want her, because that's what people are used to.

Kazuya: People write about me and Nina too… 

N: Fine. Michelle, Kunimitsu, or Christie. Take your pick.

Kazuya: … Kunimitsu (snickers) good luck finding her.

N: It won't be me searching for her, weirdo.

Kazuya: Damnit!

N: So Kazuya embarked on his quest for love. He searched everywhere, high and low, near and far…

(Kazuya walked into a bar and ordered some beer. He peered into his mug.)

Kazuya: Nope, not here.

N: Bah! I quit!

Lee: GOOD! (Still crying)

Anna: YEAH!

N: Hey… I didn't insult you Anna, that was Kazuya.

Anna: Oh… Well take Kazuya with you!

N: No. I've decided not to quit.

Kazuya: Damnit.

N: One day when Kazuya was getting beaten in chess by… Gon…

(Kazuya's suddenly at a chess table with Gon.)

Kazuya: What the hell! Beaten by this child's toy?

Gon: (animal noises.)

Kazuya: Yeah screw you too.

Gon: (sticks out tongue.)

N: Uh… ok… Anyway… He was getting beaten when suddenly, an angel appeared.

(Angel appears)

Kazuya: (turns into devil) Hey baby!

Angel: How'd I get here?

N: And she had some worldly advice for him in his quest to find his love.

Angel: What?

N: Give him ADVICE! And Devil! Give Kazuya back. This isn't your story!

Devil: FINE! (Turns back to Kazuya)

Angel: Advice… Advice for love quests? (thinks) hmm… Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has courage to lose sight of the shore.

Kazuya: Wha…

N: Damn incompetence! Get lost, Angel! You're fired!

Angel: You can't fire me. You're not THE Goddess!

N: Who?

Angel: The author.

Lee: (snorts) she's hardly a goddess!

Kazuya: I wouldn't say that…

Lee: Why? (get's hit by lightning) AHH! What the hell! I'm IN DOORS! 

N: Both of you get lost!

Kazuya: Ok (leaves)

N: Hey… not you… 

(Kazuya appears back at the chess table)

Kazuya: What the… How'd that happen? 

Angel: (Shrugs and disappears)

Kazuya: Where'd she go?

N: It was Author magic.

Kazuya: Whata what?

Jun: Hey… This isn't like THE Goddess.

Lee: Why do you call her that?

Jun: So she'll go easy on me. 

Kazuya: What isn't like her?

Jun: My son isn't in this yet… Neither is Hwoarang… It's just unlike her… I'm scared.

Kazuya: Narrator! Say something about Jin being here.

N: … Ok… Uh… And SUDDENLY Jin runs in the room with a important warning…

(Lei runs in)

Lei: FWEEZE!

(Everyone stares)

N: I SAID JIN!

(Lei disappears and runs in again)

Lei: FWEEZE!

(Everyone blinks.)

N: Uh… I mean Hwoarang…

(Bryan runs in) 

Bryan: Hey everybody! Be warned… the church next door is burning and there are children and old people locked inside, and it could quickly catch onto this building… whatever it is.

Jun: (Gasps) Is my baby in there?!

N: I dunno.

Kazuya: What the hell is going on? Where's my son?

Lee: Christie isn't in this either and that's the Author's fav person.

N: Christie suddenly ran in topless.

Kazuya: Perv.

N: I can't be a pervert. I'm just a voice.

(Ganryu runs in topless and everyone screams)

Ganryu: Where's Michelle?

N: And Michelle ran in.

(Michelle runs in)

Jun: (Blair witch camera style) I'm so scared…

Kazuya: (smashes the camera and hugs Jun) Don't worry… The "goddess" is just playing games with us.

N: HEY! HANDS OFF! You're on a quest for Kunimitsu's love and you're cheating on her before you even found her!

Kazuya: I'm just comforting her! It's hardly cheating!

N: Ok… So Kazuya continues on his search for love. The quest brings him to a haunted mansion.

(Kazuya appears in a mansion.)

N: And he sees the ghost of his dead wife.

Jun: Ghost? Me?

Lee: uh… (Raises hand)

N: What Lee?

Lee: They're not married.

N: Don't make me sick the author on you.

Lee: Sorry (disappears)

Jun: (suddenly translucent) Uh… Hi Kazuya.

Kazuya: Hey. How you doing?

N: NO! Kazuya you're overwhelmed by intense emotions like the feeling of loss and anger!

Kazuya: But she's right here.

N: Yeah but she's DEAD!

Kazuya: But I'm part devil so that shouldn't matter…

N: You're not that kinda devil!

Kazuya: Yes I am!

N: No you're not! GODDESS!!!!

(Kazuya gets hit by lightning)

Kazuya: OW! (Turns into devil, flies into the air, and shoots lazers at the ceiling.) Come out here and fight me like a … woman!

N: She can't come into your world without taking someone's body.

Devil: She can have my sister's.

Lee: (Cries)

Jun: Uh… I don't like being see through… It's creepy.

Bryan: Holy crap you're a wimp!

Jun: Am not!

Bryan: You are too, wimp!

Jun: Jerk!

Bryan: WENCH!

Jun: MUDFACE!

(Bryan and Jun start making out)

Kazuya: Hey! That's my woman!

N: No you're after Kunimitsu!

Kazuya: But-

N: Shut it!

Kazuya: (pouts)

(Heihachi appears in a football jersey with a BIG hand over his… hand.)

Heihachi: Hey… Who stole me away from the game?

N: Uh… Does this mean I have to add him in the story?

Lee: Yes. (Gets hit by lightning) AHH! What did I do?

N: Ok.. Uh… So Heihachi suddenly appeared and coughed up his plans for world domination.

Heihachi: (chokes and eventually coughs out a notebook) Ow…

(Everyone stares)

Kazuya: That should have killed him. (Gets hit by lightning) GOD DAMNIT!

N: heh heh… Ok so Kazuya was so overcome with emotion that he couldn't bare it any longer. He left the place with his wife and went on a spaceship.

(Kazuya appears on a spaceship)

Kazuya: What about Heihachi's plans for world domination?

Heihachi: ( burns the notebook) What plans?

N: Suddenly the spaceship was raided by the manji clan!

(The manji clan appears.)

Yoshimitsu: (looks around and says something in a really trippy voice)

Kazuya: I don't know man… Something about "Author powers"

Yoshimitsu: (says something else.)

Kazuya: No you're raiding my ship.

N: Ask him about Kunimitsu, you moron!

Kazuya: Oh Yoshimitsu! Where is my love, Kunimitsu! Doth thou have her?

Yoshimitsu: (blinks)

Kazuya: Guess not… Let's go shoe shopping!

N: Think again. Ok then suddenly Kunimitsu showed up!

(Kunimitsu appears)

Kazuya: Now can I go shoe shopping?

Kunimitsu: What the hell am I doing here? AHH YOSHI! (goes into fighting stance.)

Yoshi: (Scratches his back with his sword.)

N: And then they kissed and lived happily ever after.

Kazuya: No way.

N: KISS!

Kazuya: Not very damn well likely! 

N: Do I have to show you Bryan and Jun again?

Kazuya: My baby… FINE! (Kisses Kunimitsu's mask)

Kunimitsu: What the… 

(Everyone cheers)

Kazuya: SHUT UP! (Turns into devil and shoots everyone with lazers.)

Lee: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SEXY! STOP HURTING ME!!!! (cries)

N: you people are morons. I can't work like this!


	2. The Search Is On

N: Time for another Quest story! Ok… So once upon a time there was a little girl named Xiaoyu.

(Xiaoyu appears in an empty room)

Xiaoyu: HI!

N: Don't make me change my mind!

Xiaoyu: OK!

N: … Anyway… this Xiaoyu had a little crush on a man named Jin Kazama.

Xiaoyu: YEP!

N: Uh… One day she and her friend, Julia, went out to the park.

(Xiaoyu and Julia appear at a park.)

Xiaoyu: HI MY BESTEST FRIEND!

Julia: HEY! I was busy!

N: When suddenly, The ghost of Jun Kazama approached them.

(Jun appears translucent again)

Jun: Not again…

N: And told the girls about the missing people.

Jun: Oh yeah. Xiaoyu! Julia! My son, Hwoarang, and Christie are missing!

King: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!

(Animal control comes and takes King away. Everyone stares after him)

Xiaoyu Julia: JIN'S MISSING?!?!

Jun: I know! Isn't it horrible?

Xiaoyu: YES! 

Eddy: What? Now Christie and Hwoarang are chopped liver?

Xiaoyu: YES!

Ganryu: (still topless) RADISHES!

Jun: (Blinks) uh huh…

N: And so they embark on a journey to find… Jin.

Eddy: WHAT ABOUT CHRISTIE?

N: We'll get to that later!

Eddy: THAT'S IT! I'm going to build an army dedicated to Jin's destruction!

Xiaoyu Julia Jun: WHAT? NO!

Eddy: MWAHAHAHA!

Heihachi: I'll Join!

Kazuya: ME TOO!

Jun: Kazuya!

Kazzy: Yes milady?

Jun: He's your son!

Kazzy: Yes, but you see, I don't care.

Jun: I HATE YOU!

Kazzy: Oh come off it. You know that my evilness is the exact reason you shagged me in the first place.

Steve: AHAHAHA

N: You guys, get out of the story!

Eddy: Don't make us come after you too, Narrator person!

N: I'm a VOICE! What's wrong with you people?

Xiaoyu: LET'S FIND JIN!

Julia: Ok!

Jun: Let's go!

N: And so they went searching for Jin.

Kazuya: Meanwhile, Me, Eddy and Heihachi plotted.

N: NO! SHUT UP!

Lee: (cries)

Kazzy: What the… Go back to your room!

Lee: No! I'm joining the army dedicated to the destruction of Jin Kazama!

Kazzy: No little girls allowed!

Lee: (kicks Kazuya in the leg) I'm TELLING!

N: I said shut up! You people are not in the story! There is no army!

Eddy: GODDESS! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME! HELP US!

N: (coughs) On no! (coughs) Not a sore throat!

Eddy: WOOOOOO!

Xiaoyu: But we need a narrator…

Some voice: Narrator generator. Confirming request… Affirmative. (Beeps)

(Something explodes)

Some Voice: Generator rejected request by self destructing. Request denied. (Beeps)

Jun: uh…

(Everyone looks up.)

Eddy: Goddess?

Kazuya: Now look what you did!

Eddy: I didn't mean to.

Lee: Why can't the author narrate?

(Everyone stares at Lee)

Lee: I mean.. The Goddess. You people are freaks.

Eddy: Well, why don't you ask her?

Lee: Uh… Ok… Um, Goddess? Why don't you Narrate?

(Some woman appears)

Julia: Who are you?

Elizabeth: I'm The voice of the Goddess. It's my punishment for Killing 650 young women in the 16th century. (Looks at Xiaoyu and Julia.)

Xiaoyu: Eeep.

(everyone else just blinks)

Elizabeth: I'm the Blood Countess… (they blink) Elizabeth Bathory! The bloody Hungarian Countess! Oh forget it. Anyway, The Goddess says she can't narrate, and to just get on with the story without a narrator. Find Jin. Destroy Jin. Whatever. Good bye. (disappears)

Xiaoyu: OK!

Eddy: (shrugs) I guess we can do that. Let's search for Jin so we can destroy him!

Heihachi: YEAH!

Kazuya: WOOOHOOOO!

Lee: YAY!

Xiaoyu: WE'LL FIND HIM FIRST!

Jun: You better believe it!

Julia: Yes! Spirits! Guide us!

Xiaoyu: Jun's a spirit! Guide us, JUN! Jun sounds like Jin.

Jun: Uh… Ok… Let's check the forest! He likes forests!

(The girls appear in the forest)

Julia: I don't see him.

Xiaoyu: (Looks under a rock) JIN? Are you down there? JIN!!!! ANSWER ME!!!! LOOK! It's Jin!

Jun: Uh…

Julia: Xiaoyu… That's a slug.

Xiaoyu: But it's black and pointed! Like Jin's Hair! Maybe Someone turned him into a slug! I'm taking it with me just in case!

Julia: Ok…

Xiaoyu: (Puts the slug in her pocket) OK! Let's GO!

Jun: (Starts walking) Jin?

Xiaoyu: ANOTHER ONE! It might be him too! (picks up another slug)

Kazuya: MEANWHILE! With us…. Where are we guys?

Eddy: Let's check the dojo

(they appear in the dojo)

Kazuya: It's empty.

Heihachi: Great plan, Gordo.

Lee: Yeah! Loser.

Kazzy: Somebody call for him while we're here…

Lee: JIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!! HEEERRRRREEEE Jinny jinny jinnY! We have a surprise for you!

Eddy: He's not a cat, you moron!

Lee: Maybe he is!

(A black cat appears)

Lee: (screeches and leaps into Kazuya's arms) Get it away from me!!!!!

Kazuya: (drops Lee) Grow up.

Lee: Ouch… Maybe it's Jin.

Eddy: I seriously doubt it.

Heihachi: Where did I go wrong? (looks at Lee and shakes his head)

Lee: I LOVE YOU DADDY!

Heihachi: AHH! The L word! I. Can't . Breathe. Losing. Will. To. Live. Should. Have. Splurged. And. Bought. That. Gospel. Record. After. All. Damn. Lipstick. Wearing. Brat. What. Have. I. Done. With. My. Life? I. See. The. Light. Oh. No. Never. Mind. That's. Not. It. (dies)

Kazuya: (stares at Heihachi) So that's all I needed to do.

Eddy: Back to our anti-Jin Quest!

Kazuya: Oh yeah!

Lee: JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Jin's Voice: Yes?

Eddy: Is that you Jin?

Voice: Maybe. Who's asking?

Eddy: Uh… This is your friend… Eddy Gordo.

Voice: Oh hell no!

Eddy: Where are you?

Voice: (Mumbles to someone) Put that back on. They found us!

Kazuya: (quirks brow) Jin, Are you, by any chance, with Hwoarang and Christie?

Jin: Dad? Uh… No. They're not here.

Eddy: WHERE ARE YOU?

Jin: Uh… I'm… Not going to tell you. (mumbles to the other person) Ok they can't find us. You can take it off again.

Kazuya: Do I need to have a talk with your mother?

Jin: AHHH! No! Please no!

Kazuya: Then come out here.

(They hear footsteps coming closer. Then Jun, Julia, and Xiaoyu run in)

Jun: NOOOO! Jin don't move!! They're here to kill you!

Jin: WHAT? Dad, Eddy? How could you?

Kazzy: Oh stop being such a child! It's a family tradition. Father attempts to murder son. What would we be without it?

Jin: A normal family?

Kazzy: Pffft! Normality is for losers!

Eddy: Can we go find Christie and Hwoarang now?

Lee: What for?

Kazuya: No I wanna know who's up there with Jin.

Jun: Someone's with my baby?

Jin: you said you wouldn't tell!

Kazzy: No… I said I would tell. Pay attention next time. Jun. You baby him. You made him soft.

Jin: I am not soft. (snickers and mumbles to the person) am I?

Jun: WHO IS IT?!

Jin: AHH!

Kazzy: It's a man.

Jin: What? No. Shut up dad.

Lee: I killed Heihachi.

Jin: You did? YAY! Now I don't have to fight anymore!

(Hwoarang walks in)

Hwoarang: Hold on a minute there! You're fighting, man! To even the score remember? I wanna kick your bleep again!

Jin: Told you Hwoarang wasn't up here.

Eddy: (Grabs Hwoarang by the shirt collar) WHERE'S CHRISTIE?

Hwoarang: (pushes Eddy away) Simmer down man. I ain't got your woman.

Xiaoyu: JINNY MY LOVE!

Jin: AHHH! You never told me SHE was here! (mumbles to person) Hide. I swear she can sniff us out!

Xiaoyu: (Jumps at the ceiling) JINNY!!!!! (Latches on to the ceiling and tears at the planks.) Don't worry! I'm almost there!

Jin: Oh no…

(They hear a shotgun being loaded.)

Xiaoyu: You're not a slug after all! YAY! That's a relief seeing as how I tripped over nothing and the mini Jin's in my pocket got squishy!

Jin: Wha… Mom… please stop her.

Jun: WHO'S WITH YOU?

Jin: NOBODY! Absolutely nobody!

Eddy: It's Christie, Isn't it? That slut! She's SOOO grounded!

Jin: Uh… No. Why the hell would I be hiding somewhere with Christie?

Jun: JIN! Don't swear!

Eddy: What's wrong with Christie? You got a problem with her or something, kid?

Jin: No, no! I'm sorry sir… Oh god someone help me!

Narrator: I'm back!

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Narrator: Hey! I resent that!

Hwoarang: Xiaoyu! (holds up a Jin action figure) Look what I got!

Xiaoyu: (Stares at it.) There's an extra hair then most… That one's MINE! YOU STOLE IT! You dirty, dirty boy! Give it back or I'll scream until everyones ears burst and you're covered with their innards you BLEEEEEEEEEEP

(Everyone blinks)

Hwoarang: Come and get it, sweetheart.

Xiaoyu: You're a big MEANIE! (Leaps off the ceiling)

Lee: Hey… Maybe he's with the author… erm… the goddess.

Jin: (Snorts) Maybe in her wildest dreams, and even then it's doubtful.

Kazuya: Ah, I'm bored of this. I'm going home.

Lee: ME TOO!

Kazuya: Stop following me you creepy prematurely grey haired girl!

Lee: (Shrieks) SILVER, SILVER, SILVER! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! (Lunges at Kazuya.)

Heihachi: what the hell did your mother smoke when she was pregnant?

Lee: Lots of things!

Hwoarang: (pins Xiaoyu down.) I suggest you run for it Kazama!

(Jin runs through pulling some girl behind him whose wearing a devils mask.)

(Kazuya turns into devil.)

Devil: Oh I liked her!

Eddy: It was Christie!

Xiaoyu: IT WAS EVIL! 

Lee: Oh come on! Christie? No, this girl was at the most 5'5"! Let's face it, Gordo, Christie's a giant.

(Christie walks in carrying a shotgun.)

Lee: AHHHH! I take it back!

Eddy: CHRISTIE! (hugs her) WHERE WERE YOU?

Christie: Having a girls night out with Chloe.

Narrator: Ok, they were all found and they lived happily ever after.

Christie: And Chloe says you're fired, Mr. Voice man.

Narrator: What?

TBC……………

A/N: Stay tuned for the next episode where we find out who that mystery girl is!


End file.
